uhm.

I don't think I'll get anything done this way.

I think I have this "the alarm's ringing what do i do with it" mentality.

And I guess, a bit of that "naturally smart" mentality.

I need a talk with Ms Lai, I guess. Hahahahaha :D

Off I go.

Day 369: 4 days after I stepped down.

I started crying but I couldn't stop myself

I started running but there was nowhere to run to.

Woah. That was one heck of a journey.

All the laughter.

All the joy.

All the jokes.

All the silly things we did.

All the stuff we achieved.

But there was also those times when we cried.

Those times when we disagreed.

Those times when we fought.

Those times when we said things behind their back.

Those times when we got frustrated with each other.

I guess I wasn't there most of the time, partially 'cause I wasn't very extroverted at the start, and partially cause there were times when you guys went on outings and I couldn't go because of my parents.

I know some have begged me to go.

Even if I never showed it, in my heart, I wanted to go.

I kept convincing myself that it was ok not to go, but...I still felt it was a missed opportunity.

I also know it wasn't all about the outings.

I guess at the beginning, I never really did my job.

I took things for granted and did them for the heck of it.

I realised, after Mr Wong talked to me regarding the survey, that I wasn't doing things right.

I knew there was something definitely wrong when I seem to feel half-hearted about these things.

That's why I vowed to do things differently this year.

I tried to stay as late as I can to help out.

I put my heart into what I did, even though things didn't turn out the way I foresaw it.

I learnt so much during this space of time.

I also learnt so much about different people.

I remember people telling me during Investiture rehearsals that everything will turn out fine.

That I shouldn't stress myself too much.

That I should stop panicking, 'cause there's still time to change things.

I remember crying during the first rehearsal.

And Siew Yan comforting me, telling me to stay strong, 'cause as the I/C, people will have to look up to me 'cause I know how things are supposed to go, and I'm supposed to guide them (at least, that's how I remember it)

I remember mulling over that night how much of an incompetent 2nd I/C I was, and how terrified I was on failing because of this incompetence.

I guess I was really incompetent, I still had much to learn.

When I joined to be a councillor, it was more of for the heck of it (hence my initial attitude).

I didn't really expect that I'd get voted in, due to my shy disposition.

There was one point of time when I wanted to drop out of the rally.

There was another point of time when my parents asked me if I can still cope with council, if I wanted to drop out.

I learnt that not everything that looks good in paper will work out in real life, that we have to anticipate changes (oh crap, social studies).

I learnt that sacrifices have to be made if we want things to be successful.

I learnt to keep my head up, despite whatever I may face.

I learnt that no matter what I do, I must do it whole-heartedly, even if it's something like Locker & Blazers.

I learnt that every part is important, no matter how small it is.

I also learnt to trust people again, after a whole period of mistrust after that incident... (I shan't elaborate)

I learnt that there are always people you can lean on.

I also learnt who my true friends are, after all the things I have been through.

I could say I changed my attitude towards council during OGL Camp.

After feeling guilty about being not there during Prom night, I decided to make up to it.

It all totally changed during Orientation.

Those afternoons tying water bombs and arranging them.

Those days when the whole council prayed that it wouldn't rain.

That morning when we were doing up the structures for wet games.

I remembered how frustrated Erika was...how frazzled our nerves were 'cause we feared the worst.

I remember that feeling of immense relief and joy after Orientation was successful, after it was all over.

Then came rally and elections, then finally Investiture.

I remember how me and Erika were, staying up late to finish proposals.

I remember me and Erika talking about how the 9ths will turn out after we step down.

I remember how much we've panicked about lots of stuff.

I remember how down we were when dance was cut out from the programme.

I remember how much I blamed myself for not fighting enough when dance was cut.

I remember those rehearsals, when I saw the 8ths rehearsing.

They had fun...despite the fact it was a rehearsal.

I felt happy, 'cause I rarely saw them this united...like how we were at the beginning.

I never really gotten close to all the councillors.

I wish I did, though.

After Investiture, everyone seemed to went their own ways.

Some had their SPAs. So did I.

But it was sad to see, when Erika debriefed all the councillors, that not much of the 8ths were there.

It was also sad to see that after Mr Hon briefed us, we also went our separate ways.

Zulaiha, Candy and I going our own way 'cause Candy was frustrated with .

Weilin's group somewhere else...where to, I didn't know.

And the other councillors going Minds Cafe.

I guess we weren't as close as we liked.

*sigh*

In the end, we're all still councillors.

Despite us returning to normalcy.

I believe we're gonna make it for the A's

We've been through so much, the A's will just be another obstacle.

After all, we've defied gravity, didn't we? :D

Can you tell me what it special about me all this time?

More like, can you tell me how I got in in the first place?

'cause I'm thankful I got in. :)

Ranting in the morning

Grammar. Layouts. Deadlines.

I'm gonna go sleep these all off.

The faster the treadmill...

Sun goes down, sun comes up

Days can drown in a plastic cup

In this town

In this town

Don't know how, don't know when

Something came but it left again

And I'm down

On this town

'Cause no matter what I see

People love to disagree

Every time I say what I want to be

Someone says that's not how it's going to be

Come on, baby, quit your dreaming

Grab your things, the train is leaving

Time to pick that somewhere you want to go

Get there quick or drown in the undertow

Come on baby, time is wasting

Choose a wheel and get to racing

Sun goes up and down again

Hard to stop feeling broken in

And worn down

By this town

All the same

You find me here

Placing blame and escaping fear and self-doubt

And this town

But no matter where I go

People love to tell me, "No"

Every time I say what I want to be

Someone says that's not how it's going to be

Come on, baby, quit your dreaming

Grab your things, the train is leaving

Time to pick that somewhere you want to go

Get there quick or drown in the undertow

Come on, baby, time is wasting

Choose a wheel and get to racing

Every time I say what I want to be

Someone says that's not how it's going to be

Come on baby, quit your dreaming

Grab your things, the train is leaving

And if you feel like nobody understands

You just smile and pray that they clap their hands

Come on, baby, drown your sorrow

Work today and live tomorrow

Time to pick that somewhere you want to go

Get there quick or drown in the undertow

Come on baby, time is wasting

Choose a wheel and get to racing

Just gotten over the...incident.

I can't really say I've fully gotten over it, but it'll have to do.

I'll really get over it, and laugh it off when that day comes.

Anywhoo. That song above is "The Faster The Treadmill" by I Fight Dragons.

I think this song pretty sums up what I feel now, after what has happened.

I guess life will always be antagonistic - will always find ways to bring you down when you have all these aspirations and dreams.

But in the end, I guess we just have to keep on dreaming.

'Cause nothing will be accomplished if we stopped dreaming.

We'll just have to take our chances.

It's ok to feel sad about failure.

But we cannot dwell on it too much, as life still continues to go on.

I'll just have to enjoy life's ups and downs.

And in the end, I'll prove it.

I'll prove to the entire world that I can make it with that kind of result.

I'm still kinda sad, but I'll be fine. :)

Also, before I sign off,

I'd like to thank those people who were there to comfort me (you should probably know who you are but I'll say it nonetheless)

Candy, Siew Yan, Erika, Eunice, Sylvina, Chun Xi (my PW leader!), Lynn, Melissa, Brenda, Hui Bing, Shi Min, Si Hui

and probably a few others who I forgot to mention.

Also, thanks to my family (who probably won't see this), for being there, for telling me it ain't the end yet, and for all the encouragement and help.

You people are awesome...Thanks so much. :)

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Trust me.

apologies.

I don't know why I keep apologising. But I always feel that I should.

I keep promising that I won't fail you, yet, I still do.

I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry

...but I know sorry ain't enough.

State of general uninterest

Have you ever felt that you wanted to reach the sky?

Have you felt that feeling when you're almost there, and suddenly you're pulled back to the ground?

Well, I'm there right now.

And I don't know how to react.

Especially with this mixture of emotions I'm having.

Confusion. Hate. Love. Anxiety. Fear. Joy. Sadness.

It ain't a very good feeling.

There are infinite number of solutions. Yet there is only one right way.

"wonderstruck" indeed.

Defying gravity

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

Being in council, overcoming school and all that crap, is like defying gravity.

I never knew I could do it, until now.

Of course, I may have to tweak my course a bit, now that I'm JC2.

I'm terrified, but I know I must face the music.

I don't know if I have to face it alone, or face it with others.

But I'll be ready.

I vowed to give it my best shot, and darn it I will.

Sacrifices have to be made, I know.

I don't wanna leave yet, but I know I have to.

...and besides, goodbyes aren't forever, right?

I'm rather confused though, at what I'm feeling now.

I've never felt this way before.

But I know this is wrong.

I gotta get myself together.

....and in the end, I'll still be alive.